He who doesn’t beat his wife, doesn’t love her

He who doesn’t beat his wife, doesn’t love her.
Thus goes a Namibian proverb.
Its meaning is obvious – a woman, like a child, needs much correction.
Not to discipline your child is not to love him.
Similarly, to discipline your wife is a demonstration of your love for her.

These women, if they find the beating in their marriage too much to bear, have no place to run to. If they decide to return to their mother for refuge, they are met with no sympathy. “I had to put up with beating. Why should you escape it?”

Sometimes a wife may ‘have’ to be beaten to the extent that she was unable to walk for a day or 2, or walk comfortably, at least. If some visionary person decided to counsel the husband that this was possibly not such a good idea, the woman herself would have come to his defense: “This is my culture, it is my honour to be beaten by my husband. Don’t insult my husband by telling him not to beat me!” Historically, the bride was often seen crying at her wedding, because she knew how much she would suffer in the years to come.

Thankfully, things are changing, and there is much publicity to discourage domestic violence, and for victims to receive support from the police. However, there is always the gap between the enlightened ‘towns’, and the remote ‘villages’.

Marriages in cultures here are often highly structured in terms of roles and work.
It is for this reason that Kalenioupafi decided, by the age of 17, not to marry. She is one of the NETS students in Ohsikango. She explained that to be married means to become a slave for the man. That is often why men marry – to get a slave.

Thus, it is very difficult for Christian men to live in a distinctively Christian way. For example, as the Christian men in our Oshikango study group explained, cooking is the domain of the wife. Men do not cook! Further, the back-breaking work of fetching water and carrying it home is also her ‘privilege’. For a man to be seen cooking, or fetching water for his wife, would result in ridicule: “Ha, so you have really been put under, haven’t you!”

For us, female neighbours have always been (pleasantly) shocked if they come into our house and see David cooking. “Wow, I want a husband like you”; or simply, “I want a white husband.” The young girls who to play with Caris also find it a great object of fascination and amusement.

There is also the division between the new western system of family inheritance of the father’s property, and the traditional ‘female’ inheritance line. This takes a little explaining.

The husband is not really part of the family – rather, the children belong to the wife. When having different wives, each wife has children in her own “epata” – or cooking hearth. The woman is responsible for her “epata” – not the husband. So often, we are amazed – and delighted - to see the rare sight of a father taking care of their children. If the husband dies then traditional law says that his property belongs to the family of his mother (his own “epata” – meaning his brothers). Upon the death of the husband, his brothers and their families will come to claim ‘their’ possessions. This will include fields (means of growing crops for survival), the home of the widow, right up to the pots that the woman needs to cook for her family, and utensils. Talk about widows and orphans!

As stated, things are changing. New laws are being implemented to protect women and reform society. But there is always the difference between ‘the law of the land’, and ‘what actually happens’.

In Oshikango we have been discussing the biblical, Gospel-soaked paradigm of marriage, based on the material from the NETS book ‘Building a Happy Marriage’. There was a lot of vigorous discussion as a result of it. This happens to be one of the most popular books people study (let the reader understand!).
We believe things are changing – be it ever so slowly.
But there is still a massive task ahead.

So, praise God for societies that have been deeply affected by Judeao-Christian values for more than 2000 years, and praise God for his Word, that transforms lives. But pray for marriages in Namibia, and churches as they address husbands and wives.